The Executioner is Drunk and The Ropes Are Too Wet for Strangulation

Mike McHone

attention
there will be no hangings today
the executioner is drunk and the ropes are too wet for
strangulation

please proceed to the nearest injection center in a calm and
orderly fashion, single file

after you’ve arrived at the center you will be directed to a
private stall

once you are in the stall, please reach above you and grab
the needle from its overhead position
and place it directly into your arm

one of our customer service representatives will be on hand
should you need further assistance

please secure your own needle first before helping your child
with theirs

once the needle is injected snugly into your arm please lie
down on the table provided for you
assume the christ-like pose and wait for the fluids to be
injected into your body

to repeat:
there will be no hangings today
the executioner is drunk and the ropes are too wet for
strangulation

we apologize for any inconvenience you may have caused

 

Click to read our interview with Mike McHone.

Mike McHone’s work has previously appeared in The Onion, The AV Club, Playboy, The Detroit News, Neo-Opsis Science Fiction, and numerous independent and online publications. He lives in Detroit with his wife, two cats, a nephew, and a beta fish named Trevor.
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